There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
