Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
