I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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