I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize