I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am naked and annoyed.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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