Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize