The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
