i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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