Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
