who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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