They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
