i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
