we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
