Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
