is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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