it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
