Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
