My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
