she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
