I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
