I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
