I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
