my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
