call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
