I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
