my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
