Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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