I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
