I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
