what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
