Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
