Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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