I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Who died my cat blue again?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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