Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
