When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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