If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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