My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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