Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
