and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
