Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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