you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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