I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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