If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
