yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
