Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize