what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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