I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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