The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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