I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
