1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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