Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
