You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
