you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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