Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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