I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
