You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
