What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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