Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
